Control

Yesterday, when I was meditating, two words kept coming up – trust and control. I have come to the harsh realization that I am, and always have been, a bit of a control freak. According to Wikipedia, “Control freaks are often perfectionists, defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst.” I’m not sure what childhood angst I am avoiding, but looking back on my life, I have always felt the need to exhibit control and perfection. From school, to finances, relationships, to housework, I have always needed to be in control so that things wouldn’t go wrong, I guess? The why isn’t important as long as I can acknowledge and change it.

It’s painful and ironic to have to come to terms with my almost complete loss of control due to Multiple Sclerosis. Well played, Universe. MS was my wake up call and it’s only taken me 16 years to learn that I cannot and will not control everything in my life and that is alright. I am learning to trust that everything will be just fine if the house is a mess or if things don’t go exactly as planned all the time. The more out of control I was feeling because of MS, the more panic I felt. It is a vicious cycle because stress is horrible for MS. So, the more stressed I feel about what I can’t do, the worse my MS becomes and the less I can control. Meditation is giving me the time and perspective to know that the mess and life will always be there and I’m not in control of any of it; the Earth is still turning, I am still breathing, and life is still great!

I have also been forced to put my complete faith and trust in other people and that has been hard – and not just for me, because of some of my anal-retentive tendencies. I’ve always had a certain way of doing things and my husband and children don’t share the same ways. So, things are usually not done the way I envision them. Before, I would go behind them and “fix” what they had done or watch over their shoulders and give instructions. This isn’t helpful or productive for anyone. It usually just ends in frustration and negativity for everyone. I’m still learning to trust that other people’s ways are just as effective as mine. I’m also learning to trust in unconditional love. My friends and family don’t love me for what I do, or I would be in trouble. I trust that they love me for who I am regardless of my physical abilities. That has been a hard lesson to learn.

Letting go of control in my meditation and trusting that healing is happening has taken some time and effort also. I’m trying to figure out what it is that has me so scared to trust that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to.—>I wrote that last sentence yesterday, and I swear that I got my answer when I was meditating today in the most random of ways. The universe has creative ways to reach us if we’re listening – those aren’t just coincidences!! In the middle of my meditation today, one of my new favorite meditations about letting go of control https://youtu.be/KfEqviC7rwg, I accidentally hit the screen on my phone. That paused my meditation – which is really annoying. So, I opened my eyes and restarted the meditation, but of course there had to be a 5 second snippet of a commercial before I could skip the ads. However, this 5 seconds had a VERY clear message for me, “Are you letting the fear of what COULD happen make nothing happen?” I heard that quote, skipped the ads and went back into my meditation. It was one of the best meditations I’ve had in a long time and that quote was exactly what I needed to hear at this time!! I’m really going to try to stop focusing on worst case scenarios of what could happen if I’m not in control, and live every moment in the moment – as cliché as that sounds. I trust that there is a purpose to everything and that the Universe has everything under control.

Choose Your Own Adventure