Trust, Control, and the Art of Letting Go

Trust and Control

Yesterday, during meditation, two words kept surfacing—trust and control. It hit me hard: I’ve always been a bit of a control freak. According to Wikipedia, “Control freaks are often perfectionists, defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control, they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst.” I’m not entirely sure what childhood angst I might be avoiding, but when I look back on my life, the need for control and perfection has been a constant companion. Whether it was school, finances, relationships, or even housework—I’ve always felt the need to keep a firm grip so things wouldn’t fall apart… I guess?

At this point, the why isn’t as important as the fact that I can now acknowledge it—and begin to change.

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The Wake-Up Call of MS

It’s both painful and ironic to admit that MS (Multiple Sclerosis) has stripped away much of that control. Well played, Universe. MS was my wake-up call. It’s taken 16 years, but I’m finally learning that I can’t control everything—and that’s okay. I’m beginning to trust that life doesn’t have to go exactly as planned. That the house can be messy. That everything will still be okay.

The more out of control I felt because of MS, the more panic set in. And of course, stress is one of the worst things for MS. It’s a vicious cycle: the more I stress about what I can’t do, the worse my MS symptoms get—and the less I’m able to control. But meditation is helping. It’s giving me space to step back and realize that the mess, the noise, the unpredictability—they’ll always be there. I’m not in charge of any of it. And still, the Earth keeps turning, I’m still breathing, and life is still beautiful.

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Letting Go of “My Way”

Another tough lesson has been learning to trust other people. That hasn’t come easily—not for me, and probably not for them either, given my ahem particular tendencies. I have my ways of doing things, and let’s just say my husband and kids have theirs. For the longest time, I would follow behind them to “fix” things, or micromanage by offering step-by-step instructions. Unsurprisingly, this led to frustration for everyone. Now, I’m learning that other people’s ways can be just as valid and effective as mine—even if they look different.

I’m also learning to trust in unconditional love. My friends and family don’t love me for what I do. If they did, I’d be in trouble. They love me for who I am, regardless of what I can physically accomplish. That’s been a hard truth to embrace, but it’s also one of the most healing.

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A Message in the Mess

Letting go of control—even in meditation—has been a process. Trusting that healing is happening, even when I can’t see or measure it, takes effort. Yesterday I wrote: I’m trying to figure out what has me so afraid to trust that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to.

And today, I think I got my answer.

It happened in the most unexpected way, during one of my favorite meditations on letting go of control (you can find it here). Mid-meditation, I accidentally tapped the screen on my phone, which paused everything—so frustrating. I opened my eyes, restarted it, and of course, a five-second ad played before I could skip it. But in that brief snippet, I heard this:

“Are you letting the fear of what could happen make nothing happen?”

Wow. That hit me like a lightning bolt. I skipped the ad, went back into the meditation, and it turned out to be one of the best sessions I’ve had in a long time. That single sentence was exactly what I needed to hear.

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Choosing Trust Over Fear

So, I’m making a conscious choice now: to stop focusing on the worst-case scenarios. To stop imagining disaster every time I’m not in control. And to simply live each moment as it is—yes, as cliché as that sounds. I trust that everything has a purpose, and that the Universe has it all under control, even when I don’t.

Choose Your Own Adventure