Healing Beyond the Body

Letting Go and Letting Love In: My Journey with Healing and Surrender

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it became all you could think about? When that happens, the thing you desire often feels just out of reach—which only makes you want it more. Ironically, this intense focus can have the opposite effect: it can actually delay or block what you’re trying to manifest.

I’ve experienced this firsthand with pregnancy. Before Jeremy and I were blessed with our two beautiful boys, we struggled to conceive. Looking back, our struggle was relatively minor compared to what many others go through, but at the time, it was all-consuming. It felt enormous.

By 2006, we had been married for six years, had lived on our own in Florida for a few years, were settled into our home in Indiana, and had jobs we enjoyed. It seemed like the perfect time to start a family.

A year and two miscarriages later, I felt desperate. I felt like a failure—as a woman, as a wife—because I couldn’t do what my body was supposedly designed for. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant effortlessly. Every month that my period started, I would spiral into a deep depression.

Eventually, my doctor ran tests and discovered polyps on my uterus that were likely preventing a successful pregnancy. They would need to be removed. Instead of feeling relief at finally having a reason, I took it as the final nail in the coffin of my dreams of motherhood. I mourned what I thought was the loss of my fertility.

After the surgery, I stopped obsessing over getting pregnant. I was mentally exhausted and just wanted to clear my mind. Pregnancy was the last thing on my mind. Jeremy and I went on a short getaway to escape life for a while—it was a huge relief just to breathe again without the weight of that longing pressing down on me.

A few months later, at a follow-up appointment, my doctor gave me a prescription for Clomid to help with fertility. He instructed me not to take it if I was pregnant, so I needed to take a test first. I filled the prescription and picked up a pregnancy test, expecting nothing. I took it one morning before work, more out of formality than hope—and I’ll never forget the shock of seeing two lines. Pregnant!

I showed the test to Jeremy with a huge smile on my face. We were both stunned. After a year of trying so hard, it finally happened—when we had finally let go.

That experience taught me something powerful about surrender.

From Despair to Awareness

Before I discovered Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work and the practice of meditation, I spent most of my energy focused on the negative aspects of my health. Life felt increasingly difficult. I didn’t know how much more I could take. Fear about the future consumed me. I couldn’t escape thoughts about my disability.

Bitterness crept in. I became resentful watching people do things I should have been able to do—simple things like walking. It was exhausting and deeply depressing. I had become someone I didn’t want to be: a glass-half-empty version of myself. My health began to reflect that mindset. I was losing function, and my thoughts spiraled constantly to “what else is going to go wrong?”

When you have a condition labeled “incurable,” like Multiple Sclerosis, hope can feel impossible to find. No one ever said, “It can get better,” because for most, it doesn’t.

But through meditation and mindfulness, I’ve slowly shifted my focus from what I can’t do to what is possible—to healing.

Shifting Focus: The True Meaning of Healing

Since the moment I had my spiritual epiphany—when I heard the message that I was healed—that has been my focus. In meditation, I visualize healing. I envision myself walking. Throughout the day, I think about healing.

But even that focus started to become frustrating. Every time I got up from meditation and saw no physical change, I felt disappointed. Every time a symptom returned, I felt defeated. I’ve been trying so hard to get rid of this disease.

Over the past year, 90% of the books I’ve read have been about meditation, the law of attraction, healing, and spirituality. I’ve been laser-focused.

Then, something serendipitous happened. I was feeling especially frustrated with meditation last fall when I got a text from a friend:

“I’m with a basketball mom who has met Joe Dispenza and been to his seminars.”

I was intrigued. Fortunately, this friend is incredibly outgoing, and by the end of their encounter, she had the woman’s contact info.

Though I’m not one to call strangers, I texted her a short intro—and a couple of months later, she drove an hour and a half to my house. We talked nonstop for five hours. The connection was instant.

She shared something that stopped me in my tracks:

“You’re too focused on healing.”

At first, I thought, WTF? Isn’t that the whole point? But she reminded me of something Dr. Joe teaches—that the true focus should be on gratitude and the present moment.

She recommended the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David Hawkins, which has helped me shift my focus throughout the day. She also introduced me to Lisa Natoli, a teacher of A Course in Miracles, who says:

“If you’re looking for body healing, it blocks body healing.”

That hit me hard. I signed up for Lisa’s 8-week program The Healing Cure, which emphasizes not physical healing, but reconnecting to your source. Any physical changes are simply the byproduct of that spiritual healing.

Choosing Joy Now

I now realize that my true purpose is to be happy and spread that happiness. When I can be happy in spite of my body, healing will follow.

So now, it should be simple:
Cultivate love. Choose joy.

If I’m focusing on happiness, I’m no longer obsessed with my health. That’s true letting go. I can choose joy no matter what’s happening around me, because I carry God’s light within me. No one can give that to me or take it away. It is my birthright.

Through meditation, I’ve found a path back to my source, and I’m allowing my true self to shine. I’ve already healed so much by being present, recognizing my spirit, and letting love lead. This is a slow and sacred journey, but I continue to grow every day.

I will keep meditating, connecting, and rediscovering the unconditional love that exists in me—regardless of what my physical body is experiencing.

I am surrounded by love, by friends and family who uplift me. And today—and every day forward—I choose to live in gratitude and share the love and light I’ve found through meditation and God.

Your Words, Your Power: The Sacred Practice of “I Am”