Focus

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it became all you could think about? Many times when that happens, the item you desire always seems just out of reach which only increases your desire for it. Unfortunately, many times by focusing so hard on what we want, we create the opposite effect or delay the object from manifesting in our life. I have experienced this in my own life with pregnancy. Before Jeremy and I were blessed with our two beautiful boys, we struggled to get pregnant. Looking back, our struggle was very minor compared to what some people experience. However, when we were in the middle of it, it was all consuming and a huge deal to me. By 2006, we had been married for 6 years, had lived on our own in Florida for a few years, were settled into our home in Indiana and had jobs we liked. The timing was perfect to start a family.

A year and 2 miscarriages later, and I was feeling desperate. I felt like a failure as a woman that I couldn’t do the one thing my body was designed for. I felt like everyone around me had babies or were getting pregnant so easily. ALL I could think about was getting pregnant. Every month when my period would start, I would sink into a depression. My doctor decided to run some tests to find out why I wasn’t getting and staying pregnant. It turned out I had polyps on my uterus that were preventing a successful pregnancy. They would have to be removed. Instead of being relieved at finding a reason for our struggles, I just thought this signaled an end to my hopes of motherhood and I let it go that day. I mourned what I saw as the loss of fertilty. After the surgery, I stopped worrying about getting pregnant as much as I had. I was mentally exhausted and just wanted to clear my brain of all thought. Because I had just had the surgery, pregnancy was the last thought on my mind. Jeremy and I went on a mini-getaway just to forget about life for a minute. It was a relief to be able to breathe without being consumed about starting a family. I went to a follow up appointment a few months after the surgery. The doctor gave me a prescription for Clomid to help with fertility. He said I did not want to take the Clomid if I was pregnant, so I was to take a pregnancy test before filling the prescription. I filled the prescription and bought a pregnancy test just in case. I took the test in the morning before work – not expecting anything. I’ll never forget that feeling when I saw 2 lines (pregnant)!!! I brought the test to Jeremy with a huge smile on my face. He was just as surprised as I was. We had tried so hard for a year to get pregnant and now that it was the last thing on both of our minds, it had finally happened!

Before I was introduced to Dr. Joe’s work and meditation, I spent a lot of my time and energy focused on the negative aspects of my health and life because of my health. For me, EVERYTHING was becoming increasingly harder and I didn’t know how much more I was going to be able to take. I was constantly scared of my future and the worst case scenario. I could not escape thoughts of my disability. I found myself becoming bitter and angry about what other people could do that I SHOULD have been able to do. I constantly watched people walk and thought, “It should be so easy!” It was exhausting and depressing. I had definitely become a glass half empty person about my health, much to my dismay. Because of this, my health was following that downward path. I was losing function daily with no end in sight and I was constantly focused on and thinking about what else was going to go wrong. And when you have an “incurable” disease like Multiple Sclerosis, there is not a lot of positive/hopeful information to counter those negative thoughts. I never heard, “It can/will get better,” because for MOST people that isn’t the case.

Through meditation and mindfulness, I have slowly been able to shift my focus away from what I can’t do to focusing on healing. Since my epiphany and being told that I was healed, that has been my constant focus. When I meditate, I focus on healing and walking. Many of my thoughts throughout the day have also been about healing and what that will entail. Even though healing is a positive thought, this too has caused me frustration. Every time I get up from a meditation and there is no change, I get a little frustrated. Every time a symptom that had gone away reappears, I get frustrated. I am trying so hard to get rid of this damn disease!! For the last year, 90% of the books I have read have been about meditation, the law of attraction, healing and the like. I have had a one track mind. I recently met a student of Dr. Joe’s who healed herself of Lyme disease. Our introduction was completely serendipitous. I was angry and frustrated with meditation back in October/November and felt like I needed a boost. It was during this time that I received a text from one of my best friends saying, “I’m with a basketball mom now that has personally met Joe D(ispenza) and has been to numerous seminars of his” I was intrigued and had to know more. Luckily, this friend has never met a stranger and by the end of their encounter she had gotten me her digits! I’m not a huge fan of talking to people I hardly know on the phone, so I sent her a short text explaining who I was. She instantly responded and after a couple of months of trying to coordinate our schedules we were able to get together. She drove an hour and a half to our house. I instantly felt a connection to her and we sat and talked nonstop for 5 hours! She had a lot of information and insight for me. One thing that stuck out was when she told me I was too focused on healing. My initial reaction was WTF?!? I thought I was supposed to be focused on healing instead of sickness. She reiterated Dr. Joe’s teaching that the focus needs to be on gratitude and living in the present moment. She recommended that I read the book, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David Hawkin. It was a great resource for teaching me how to change my focus throughout the day. I immediately started to implement the techniques for being grateful in the moment and choosing new emotions. She also told me about Lisa Natoli who works with “A Course in Miracles” and made major changes in her own health and life. Lisa says, “If you’re looking for body healing ,it blocks body healing.” I recently signed up for Lisa’s 8 week program “The Healing Cure.” This is a program that is not focused on physical healing, but on changing focus and getting connected to source. Physical healing may be a residual effect of spiritual healing.

My true purpose in this life is to be happy and spread that happiness to others. When I can be happy in spite of my body, I will heal. So now it SHOULD be so easy! All I have to do is cultivate love and happiness in my life and my focus will not be on my health or healing. That is true “letting go.” I can choose happiness despite my outside circumstances because no matter what is going on, I have God and his light in me. No one can give that to me or take it away from me, it is my birthright as a being on this Earth. Through meditation I have discovered a tool for connecting to my source and letting my true self shine through. I am grateful to have been introduced to this work and given the gift of sight. This is a slow process for me and I have learned so much in the last year. I have already healed so much by being present, recognizing my spirit and letting love be my guide. I will continue to meditate, get connected and discover that unconditional love that is in me regardless of what is going on in my physical body. I have an amazing life and am surrounded by loving friends and family. Today, and going forward, I choose to live in gratitude and spread the love and light that I have found through meditation and God.

I Am…