Learning to Let Go: My Journey Toward Acceptance
For the past 17 years, I’ve felt like I’ve been perpetually mourning because of Multiple Sclerosis. I’ve cycled through all the stages of grief at different points in my journey—except for the last one: acceptance.
Each time a new symptom has appeared or I’ve lost another function, I’ve found myself grieving all over again. But to truly heal and move forward, I know I need to reach that final stage.
I found hope through meditation and Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work. Still, getting to a place of genuine acceptance has been incredibly difficult for me.
Recently, someone asked me, “If this is as good as it gets, can you be okay with that?”
Wow. That stopped me in my tracks.
Even after all the work I’ve done with mindfulness and meditation, I couldn’t honestly answer yes. I’m not there yet.
I’m not sure how to be okay with living mostly in a wheelchair, dependent on others for almost everything. My brain knows acceptance is necessary, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Can I still show up and be a light in the world from a wheelchair?
What Does Acceptance Really Mean?
I’ve thought long and hard about what acceptance would actually look and feel like for me. Writing this post has been tough because, deep down, I know this is where I need to go—but my heart hasn’t been ready to follow.
When I hear the word acceptance, I often equate it with giving up or giving in. That’s part of the struggle.
Lately, my meditations haven’t felt very clear or powerful. I’ve felt stuck—like nothing is changing and the signs I’m looking for aren’t coming. But then, a series of synchronicities showed up and gently guided me back toward this concept of acceptance. It just took me a while to realize where I was being led.
A New Connection
Back in March, I connected with a man named Jim through Facebook and my blog. His MS journey mirrors mine in many ways. Like me, he’s been to Dr. Joe Dispenza’s workshops and meditates daily in hopes of healing. He had read my blog and reached out, saying he resonated with my experiences.
Jim documents his journey in a podcast called How You Really Doin’ (link).
As much as my loved ones—especially Jeremy—try to understand the rollercoaster of living with MS, no one really gets it unless they’ve lived it. Finally, I had someone to talk to who knew what it feels like physically, and more importantly, how deeply it messes with your mind.
I was venting to Jim recently about how hard it is to get past the physical reality of MS, and he sent me a video of Dr. Gabor Maté (link). The timing was uncanny—just a few days earlier, I had joined the Wisdom of Trauma Facebook page, which is also tied to Dr. Maté’s work.
Clearly, something was nudging me in this direction. So I picked up his book, When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection.
In it, Dr. Maté explores the mind-body connection and how stress contributes to disease onset and progression. His chapters on MS hit home in a powerful way—I started to see with new clarity why this disease may have manifested in my body.
The First “A” is Acceptance
The final chapter of Dr. Maté’s book is called The 7 A’s of Healing. And the first one? You guessed it—Acceptance.
I had already started this blog post weeks before, knowing in my gut that acceptance was the next step. But I wasn’t sure how to get there. So I began asking for acceptance instead of healing in my meditations.
And slowly, God began to lead me to the answers I needed.
Dr. Maté writes:
“Acceptance does not demand becoming resigned to the continuation of whatever circumstances may trouble us, but it does require a refusal to deny exactly how things happen to be now. It challenges the deeply held belief that we are not worthy enough or ‘good’ enough to be whole.”
That hit me hard.
I’ve been mentally fighting this disease from day one. I’ve struggled to believe—let alone accept—that this is my reality.
But I’m beginning to understand that acceptance means being okay with how things are right now, while still holding space for change tomorrow.
There is so much freedom in that.
Instead of constantly obsessing over what’s happening in my body or resisting it with everything I have, I can choose to embrace the present moment and redirect my energy toward living my best life—as I am.
Meditation Reimagined
Another realization I’ve had is that I’d started approaching meditation with the wrong intention. I was using it solely as a means to an end—healing—instead of as sacred time to be with myself and with Source.
Meditation should be about presence, not pressure.
When I’m truly present, I feel the connection through every part of my body. Even when the sensations or the “high” aren’t there, I now know that the practice still matters. Even the quiet, uneventful meditations have been guiding me toward acceptance.
And I believe that once I fully embrace it—truly embrace it—I’ll unlock the door to bigger and better things. Until then, I’ll keep showing up, connecting, and trusting the journey.