Who the FUCK am I?!?!? What the FUCK is the point of my life?!?!? I feel like I have been thrown into an existential crisis. Since losing the ability to walk, and the ability to do many of the things I enjoy due to Multiple Sclerosis, I often question who I am and what my purpose is in this life. Please don’t start feeling sorry for me – because that makes me feel even worse. I’m just ruminating, for lack of anything else to do. I honestly spend so much of my free time sitting and thinking about what I would be doing, if I could. Which is really unproductive and pretty maddening. I often think of my life in terms of when I was able to do things I enjoyed without limitations vs. now. So, through all the “work” I’m doing, I’m really trying to let go of the me I thought I was and discover who I REALLY am under the facade I have created. Think about it, if everything that made you, well YOU, was stripped away; who would you be? What makes us special and important? Or rather, do the things we think make us special really matter?
Before I became reliant on a wheelchair (and others) full time, what did my days consist of? To me, they were so full, and honestly, so much better! (Healthy dose of ableism included.) I was FREE to make decisions for myself without relying on others. It has been VERY hard for me to accept and let go of the need to independently do things! I REALLY HATE just sitting around watching everyone around me accomplish physical tasks that should be so easy. I am trying to use this opportunity to figure out what the TRUE purpose of this life is because it’s either that or go mad constantly mourning all the things I used to be able to do. Since the ability to easily do physical tasks has been taken away from me, then it HAS to be who I am being that matters now. Otherwise, what is the point of being alive?!?
I read something the other day that said if you scooped 2 glasses of water from the ocean, you could not say one is better or worse than the other because they come from the same source. The same can be said for all the beings on this planet, including me. We all come from and are loved unconditionally by the same source. We truly are all equal human “beings”. How can I see myself as broken when God sees me as perfect? I’ll be honest and say that I feel this way about myself because I see myself through the lens I used to view disabled people through – I often wouldn’t make eye contact and I felt sorry for them. I had/have a very ableist attitude – the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that disabled people require ‘fixing’ and defines people by their disability. I definitely have been hyper focused on fixing myself lately – many of the things I do are done to fix what is “wrong” with my body.
Because I was happy with my life the way it was before, I really had no motivation or reason to change anything. MS was the impetus I needed to shake things up and make major changes. Thanks, I guess?!? I say the evolving me because one thing I’ve learned is that everything around me is always changing – including me. It takes 7 years for all of the cells in our body to regenerate. Essentially meaning that there is a “new” me every 7 years. So now that I have been given the gift of reinventing myself, who am I going to be? I have already changed so much in the last 4 years. Can I continue to live a fulfilling life despite my limitations?
Fuck yes, I can!
FUCK YES I CAN still live a fulfilling life! I can still enjoy many of the things I used to with some adjustments or adaptations. Things might not always look pretty, or the way I envisioned, but being disabled doesn’t mean life cannot be lived joyfully. I just have to adjust the lens I see things through. Where I have been focused on what I can’t do, or what I used to be able to do, my new focus can be how can I make things happen or enjoy things in a different way? I have been blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who will go out of their way to make sure I am included also.
FUCK YES I CAN do hard things! I have proven this over and over again. I have been fighting many internal demons lately, but I am winning those battles consistently with focus ,determination, and a shitload of tears. Honestly, suicide looks so enticing and easy sometimes compared to the way I feel physically and mentally. Constant pain / discomfort is no joke! However, I will continue to fight and pursue the things I enjoy to make this life matter – because it does!!
FUCK YES, I CAN contribute to this world by just “being” and spreading patience, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude and love. I am being asked to literally sit back and be a light from a seated position – to “rest in God”. So I am going to use this opportunity to sink into that unconditional love and share my journey with the world like I was instructed by God. I am excited to share what I have learned (I can still be a teacher) and learn from others who are exploring their own greatness and spirituality. It is through this work and deconstructing of me that I rediscovered my connection with GUS (God/ Universe/ Source). And it is through that connection and love that I have been led to start a spiritual cooperative with some amazing women! God asked me to share my journey for a reason – so I am doing that in the loudest way! Stay tuned for my next post about Unfolding.
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