The phrase “let it go” has come up a lot throughout this crazy journey. That statement can have so many different meanings for different people. Like Elsa from Frozen, I can’t hold it back anymore – I need to let some things go in order to heal. First, my religious upbringing. I was born and raised in a Christian family. We were in church every Sunday and some Wednesday nights. I loved going to Sunday school as a child and never questioned my faith. At 13, I committed myself to God by being baptized. I felt so much love from God when I went forward at a church camp to dedicate my life. It was definitely the first time I truly felt my source. I just knew it was the right thing to do at the time. As I grew older, I became more rebellious and questioned everything. We attended a Southern Baptist church and the rules were pretty strict. I never could quite live up to the standards set for me religiously. In the back of my head there was always the thought that I was never going to be able to live a righteous life if the church was deciding my correct path.
After moving out of my parent’s house, I became what we lovingly refer to as a ChrEaster…someone who only attends church on Christmas and Easter. I still believed in God, but always said that the church didn’t represent for me what I felt God intended. When I had felt God before it had been a feeling of unconditional love, not based on what I look like, what religion I am or how perfectly I act. Those things were done to look the part for other people. I knew God didn’t care how I found my path, but I had to find it on my own. I wasn’t actively looking, but my source was constantly sending me signals.
Immediately after my epiphany, I Googled Dr. Joe Dispenza’s thoughts on God. In his online workshop there was no mention of God healing. I found the book God on Your Own: Finding God Outside of Religion by Joseph Dispenza. I assumed it was Dr. Joe Dispenza, so I ordered the book through Amazon Kindle and started reading. I read the book in 2 days and took 2 pages of notes. I was in a manic state trying to process everything that was happening. I was trying to come to terms with my healing while letting go of my ingrained notions about God. It was definitely like being “reborn” in a spiritual sense. My spirit was renewed and I was given the gift of vision. Now it is my job to keep my path lit by staying connected to MY source through meditation.
It has been 4 months since my healing epiphany. I would love to say it has been smooth sailing and everyday has been easier than the the one before. However, that has not been the case. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. The first two days I was on cloud nine. I was excited about my future and eager to find out about the voice in my head. I know I’m not losing my mind, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before and I need to know more. After that honeymoon period, I still felt pretty good mentally, but not much was happening physically. I was meditating constantly trying to hear another message or speed up the process of my healing. There were days I would have amazing meditations and come out of them so frustrated because things weren’t improving at the speed I wanted.
The other area where I need to let go is in my meditation practice. Dr. Joe talks about creating a vision of what you want to change in your life and letting it go so a higher power can organize it in a way that is right for you. I know that I am healing because my source sent me the message and I have already noticed so many positive changes. I’m slowly learning through my meditative work and through reading and studying that I will never heal completely until I get out of the way and let God do the work. That has been one of the hardest parts so far – letting go of my ego, and letting my source do what it does best. Getting frustrated and angry because things are not happening how/when I think they should slows down my healing. I need to let go and let God.
I have learned so much in this process of letting go and listening to my source. Here is what I’ve discovered for myself so far. There is a creator, or source, of all things that lives in every living creature/being in the world. That source is in everyone of us and loves us unconditionally and wants us to have everything we want/need in life. It doesn’t matter how you find your connection to your source, but once you do you won’t want to lose it because it’s an amazing, powerful force. This source has not come from religion or anyone else. It is an inner voice that guides me if I keep the lines of communication open by clearing out all of the additional chatter in my brain – and there is a LOT!! I am learning to quiet the negative voices in my head through meditation and to let go of my ego and know that my life is finally on the right path.