Rock bottom

I’ve really been struggling with what to write these last few weeks because honestly, I haven’t been feeling as great physically as I would like and I have not felt the strong connection to my source like I felt the first few months after my epiphany. I thought that I would be up and walking by now because that was what I “sensed” during my epiphany. That has led to a lot of frustration and thoughts of “I’m not meditating right,” or “I’m not strong enough.” However, everything I have heard and read says that there should not be a timeline attached to healing. I have been reading and studying about the laws of attraction, healing and the like non-stop since April trying to learn more about the process and how to speed it along. The most recent book I’ve been reading, The Last Law of Attraction Book You’ll Ever Need to Read, really helped me to see how I was sabotaging my own efforts and how to get around the traps being set by my own ego. Like I said before, the universe is always sending us signs, but we have to be open and listen to them. The quote in this book that I needed to read at this time is, ” ‘Picking at the scab’ of your desire keeps it from completing its way into your manifested reality. Losing your patience, letting doubt and uncertainty creep in, and quitting before the scab is ready to fall off is the reason things aren’t happening for you.” If I hadn’t had my epiphany, I probably would have given up by now. Since I did, I am confident that my source knows my desires and is working to make them a reality for me. The problem is that after every meditation, I get up not feeling much different and then frustration and anger set in. In order to attract healing, I need to maintain a feeling of gratitude and not lack. I have to let go and enjoy life as it’s happening in order to achieve the ultimate gift of healing. Sometimes, when you’re struggling just to be, that’s hard to do.

I feel like now is a good time to share how far I’ve come mentally and physically on my current path. I want to share this because I need to remind myself how much I’ve improved using meditation and mindfulness only. In general, I have always considered myself an optimist. People have often said to me, “Do you ever stop smiling?” These last few years have been incredibly trying for us and have definitely tested my optimism and made my smile falter many times. My health during this time has been on a downward spiral. I have felt like a 43 year old in a decrepit 90 year old body. I just couldn’t trust that it was going to function correctly anymore. I cried more days than not from exhaustion, depression and an overwhelming sense of failure. I was struggling through everything I did. I continued to smile around everyone else, but it was getting harder and harder to hide the way I was truly feeling.

There have been small physical improvements since April. First, I’m able to write legibly again. My writing, while never beautiful, had become unrecognizable. Just holding a pen was almost impossible – unless it was a thick pen. I also have less spasticity in my muscles. My legs used to be incredibly spastic. Just sitting around, my legs were constantly “jumping” and I had no control over it. I still have some spasticity, but not nearly as bad as it was. My legs have also become more limber. Before April, my muscles in my legs were so tight that Jeremy felt like he was breaking them just trying to make them bend – and that was with 6-9 muscle relaxers per day. Now, he has no problem most days making them bend. Best of all, my bladder incontinence has disappeared. Before March, I was having severe bladder issues. I had started wearing Depends adult diapers because I had had more “accidents” than I care to admit. This was one of the most humiliating symptoms I was dealing with – and it’s gone!! No more diapers and I can make it 10 hours without needing a bathroom. (Yes, I’ve timed it)

My mental state before April was miserable. I was depressed and cried all the time, despite being on a high dose antidepressant. Everyday I mourned the loss of control over my body. I thought about suicide more often than I care to admit. I want to be very clear that I love my life and my family and friends. I never WANTED to die, but I could not fathom living the rest of my life depending on everyone around me for my basic needs. I knew that if I ever got to the point where I lost control over everything else, that I wanted control over how, when, and who I was surrounded by when I died. I was not going to be a burden to the people I loved. And that was my rock bottom mentally. Help could not have come at a better time.

Since April 26th, I haven’t had a single thought of suicide…and I’m on zero antidepressants!! Is everyday perfect? Absolutely not, but I finally have hope that things can, and will, get better. My worst days now are like my good days before. I have to remember, too, that the pandemic and quarantine have added a new level of stress, and I’m still feeling better overall. Several people have told me that they can tell a difference in the way I talk and act. I’m trying to maintain a positive outlook about my future and trust that God has a plan for my healing. Until then, I will continue meditating and trusting.

Changing My Narrative