Toxic Positivity

PSA: If you are offended by foul language, you probably want to skip this post.

I have always smiled – a lot. Sometimes I don’t even realize it and my face just naturally goes to that position. Some people suffer from RBF (Resting Bitch Face). I guess I was blessed with RNF (Resting Nice Face). Most of the time I am genuinely happy and my smile isn’t forced. However, there are other times when I am smiling despite being so sad, angry, disappointed, etc. Those times seem to be more common lately. It is so hard for me to not let what is happening to me physically effect what is going on emotionally. I still have to function in my roles as wife, mom, friend, yadda, yadda, yadda. So, most days when I’m angry because I need help just getting out of bed or I’m sad because I can’t participate in everyday activities – I plaster a smile on my face and “fake it until I make it.” There are many reasons why I smile even when I feel like screaming:

• It is not socially acceptable to go around screaming/crying/melting down
• People are naturally attracted to and like to be around happy people
• I do believe happy people attract positive things into their lives
• I live with 3 males who try their best, but struggle with a crying wife/mom
• Sometimes it’s scary when I let myself go down the rabbit hole of negativity
• I WANT to be able to smile genuinely, so I do try to force that feeling

I’ve written before that since my MS diagnosis, I am perpetually experiencing different stages of grief due to the loss of function, fear of future disability, etc. I went through denial for many years at the beginning. I have experienced acceptance of some of my limitations, which feels like a good place to be. I am still doing Dr. Joe’s work, meditating daily, believing that healing is possible, but I have gotten to a point where I feel stuck and I’m struggling to maintain a positive outlook. I know that ANYTHING is possible (in my head), and I know that positive vibrations and heart/brain coherence are necessary to attract what I want in life. Lately, many of the feelings I experience throughout a single day are fear, anger and sadness just to name a few. These feelings are a normal part of human experience, I am just experiencing them at a level that I need help dealing with. Antidepressants were great when what I was dealing with was more on a chemical level. I have been off of antidepressants for 2 years and meditation has really helped me redirect many of the “negative” feelings I have. Lately, meditation is not enough. I have been having more and more episodes of depression/anger. The truth of the matter is I’m fucking sick of putting on a happy face. This shit is hard. Every second of every day. I’m not asking for pity, I just want everyone to know what this smile hides sometimes. There is a shitload of anger!!!!! And I’m giving myself permission to have a full on temper tantrum. As the reader, you have the choice to tune this out,(stop reading and go on with your life). I, on the other hand cannot just stop reading. I have to deal with these truly hateful, angry, pessimistic thoughts. I can be all spiritual and positive after I release them. My depression and anger now stem from my current health/physical situation. What I need is a safe, effective outlet for all of this fucking anger!!!! I am sooo pissed that I am currently confined to a wheelchair, that I need help with pretty much everything. My husband is so amazing and it’s affecting his life in a different way, so I know that the last thing he wants / needs is to deal with me crying and being angry all of the time because of the situation.

Therefore, I have been led to seek alternative therapies. In January, I started seeing an ayurvedic / Eden Energy practitioner for energy work and she introduced tapping to me. Tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), is similar to acupuncture, where lightly tapping certain points on the face and upper body help relieve tension and stress. Unlike with acupuncture though, you use your fingertips instead of needles. I have had friends who work in therapy suggest tapping to me in the past and In February I purchased Nick Ortner’s book The Tapping Solution for Manifesting Your Greatest Self: 21 Days to Releasing Self-Doubt, Cultivating Inner Peace, and Creating a Life You Love. I was reading the book and tapping almost daily but not really feeling benefits from it.

Jeremy asked me a couple of months ago how I felt about seeing a hypnotist. The next day I Googled hypnotist in Bloomington and found a hypnotherapist (Nell Weatherwax) whose site struck a chord with me and I scheduled an appointment. When she called me to ask some general questions and just chat, I felt an instant connection. When I had my first appointment with Nell in March, I didn’t know what to expect. The first thing she said to me after introductions was, “Wow, your smile lights up a room!” (My smile precedes me.) After we talked about my situation, she gave me several techniques for processing these feelings that have become overwhelming lately. One of those techniques is tapping. Before, when I tapped through my emotions, it was a rote movement without feeling. When Nell and I tapped them out, she encouraged me to put the actual emotion behind what I was saying. So, for a long time we tapped through some pretty powerful emotions and I TRULY felt them as I released them. I cried, I screamed, I cussed and I felt so much relief when we finished just a few rounds of tapping – completely different from when I had tried it on my own. Nell also led me through some self-hypnosis sessions. After my first appointment with Nell, I was mentally exhausted, and for good reason. I’ve been doing mind/body work for 2 years, and I think this is the first time I let myself authentically feel a LOT of emotions I perceived as negative.

According to Nell, I have been suffering from toxic positivity – “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and the invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.” I immediately knew that she was right. I have been saying more often lately that I just want to be authentically happy and smile because I’m happy not because I feel it’s what everyone needs from me. I want to make clear here that I know I have a TON to be happy about and I do have plenty of moments of authentic positivity. However, living with a neurological/physiological disease creates emotions that are outside of my sphere of experience and that I could not handle on my own. Since being introduced to Dr. Joe and other mind/body techniques I have honestly felt scared to let those negative emotions out because I thought it would breed more negativity. Boy, was I wrong. Pushing those emotions down and forcing positivity only gave my angry/hateful outbursts more power because they built up to the point of explosion every couple of months. They demanded to be felt and I thankfully have found a safe way to feel them without being overwhelmed by them. I have seen Nell 3 times so far and plan to continue seeing her as needed. I am so grateful that Jeremy suggested hypnosis. I’m also so grateful that the universe led me to Nell. Now, when I feel those “negative” emotions start to come up, I have effective tools for feeling and releasing them safely. This is a new chapter in my healing journey so please stay tuned for more updates. For now, know that when you see me smiling there is more than likely a legitimate, heartfelt emotion behind it.

Fill Your Bucket